In a perfet
world, as dictated by the nuclear family model- I grew
up with Vishakha
and Vishal my siblings, under a protected, loving and warm shelter
of my parents; skipping through the brilliant green meadow of life
with love all around.
But the perfect
world is an elusive thing. As I started my own family with the man
I loved -I was confident of a beautiful life ahead but I was jolted
out of my bliss when I suddenly lost him. Already in the seventh month
of my pregnancy then, I looked forward to the arrival of my baby -the
only hope left in my life. Then on 30th March 1996 Sanchi entered
my life!!!
I remember
sitting up in hospital full of anticipation as the nurse placed her
in my lap. I expected a surge of motherhood to flow through my system
as claimed by so many mothers, but felt like a complete stranger holding
her and trying to connect to her as she looked quizzically at me.
As the first week passed by I realized a strong bond developing between
us; with my baby recognizing me by my touch and I feeling that surge
of motherhood every time I held her close to me. She had already started
filling up the void in my life.
As she grew
up, I learned to cherish every moment of my life with her. The greatest
joy I know is ongoing and daily renewed in my relationship with her.
I am confident and strong with her around me. I am also silly and
not self-conscious in a negative way, worried that some choice I make
will be perceived as "wrong" or "bad." Together my daughter and I
decide what the two of us want to do, whether the decision at hand
is regarding a household buy, what costume to dress her in for a school
function, where to dine out over the weekends or a spontaneous trip
to the nearest hill station! There is no one else to consult. This
energy and support from her have given my life a broader perspective
and is a comfortable reminder: I am hardly single as in alone - I
have the most intricate safety net of anyone I know.
I don't want
to suggest ours is a completely idyllic, trouble-free life. We have
hard times. Physically and emotionally, there are days I want to (and,
once in a blue moon, do) lie down and weep with fear and exhaustion
of being solely responsible for another human. During these moments,
I sometimes cave in to believing the false accusations of those who
doubt the capabilities of a single mother. An evil, taunting voice
fills my ears, mocks, "See, you can't do it alone. You thought you
were so tough. Well you're not!"
The last time
this happened, Sanchi crawled beneath the blankets beside me, took
my head in her lap, and encouraged me to have faith in life by repeating
all the good things I had told her about her father. She reassured
me, insisted I need not keep the too many appointments I'd scheduled,
and suggested we just hang out and relax for the evening. We did.
Later, when I was rested, I remembered that all parents - single and
partnered - have moments of great fear and doubt.
She is also
quite a performer when she dresses up as "Monica Aunty" in a saree
and "visits me occasionally" with her baby "Tanu-the rag doll" or
when she supposedly "reads out the weather forecast" with a distinct
diction. She is artistically inclined as she loves drawing -walls
in my apartment stand testimony to this great artist!!
She is a compassionate friend sensitive to other' feelings who just
dotes on kids. She wants to share all her things with a sibling. Hence
together, we have decided to adopt a kid sister for her when things
are more stable in our life. These are the times when she fills me
with pride with her level of maturity at such tender age and leaves
me wondering.
Her favorite pastime is dancing with her favorite nursery rhymes
on. She enjoys the "Story Telling" bedtime sessions we share though
her "Milk Drinking" sessions are quite arduous and long - sometimes
stretching up to 45 minutes! She is closest to her aunt Vishakha,
in whom she has found her "Yashoda" Maa. Life is a picnic with her
around and I want to enjoy every minute of it since time flies and
my little bundle of joy too will fly away someday. Till then I hope
to capture all the colors of life to paint a rainbow in my book of
memoirs later.
