Ms. Vidya Shankar, a chemical engineer by qualification, is the chair person of Relief foundation dedicated to child welfare. She was also a former chairperson of the Juvenile Welfare Board in Chennai and a member of the Juvenile Justice Board. Relief Foundation is co-managing the government juvenile homes in the city of Chennai. She is an adoption educator and a founder Secretary of the adoptive family support group called SuDatta. A face to face with her by Jambu on the various issues relating to adoption, adoptive parents and adopted children.

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Q: What does Sudatta mean?... It is quite an unique name.

A : Su - Good, Datta – Adoption.

Q: Tell us a little bit more about Su-Datta?

A: We are a support group of adoptive families, non- aligned to any agency, operate independently, and meet often. It is a recognized Registered Association providing continuous empowerment to adoption- It has built families and championed the cause of adoption. Our support groups help families face challenges in dealing with adoption, share experiences, help the family and child to get adjusted. We arrange for regular interface with Adoption experts. We have regular family meets, kids meet, moms meets, picnics, besides serious workshops on positive parenting and adoption concepts for parents and aspiring parents.

Q: What kind of people usually come forward to adopt a child?

A: Mostly childless couples from Upper Middle Income families. Rarely, we do come across affectionate childless couples from lower middle income coming forward.

Q:What do you want to see in these people before you feel that they are indeed eligible/prepared to adopt a child?

A: A stable and happy spousal relationship, unconditional love for children in general, stable income in the family, priority for providing sufficient time for the child.

Q: I know you are an adoptive mother. Can you share a little about your child’s adoption story?
A: My husband Shankar and I decided to have our second child through adoption, and when our daughter turned 2 we decided to start the adoption process for our second child, way back in 1992. We were not very welcome those days with agencies that turned us away, as we could have a child. Anyway, we registered with VCA and were placed with a sweet little child in a month. We started the Adoptive families association in 1995 with the help of the VCA (Voluntary Co-ordinating Agency now known as Adoption Co-ordinating Agency TN). The main issues those days were all to do with legalizing and the delays related.

Q:What has been your experience ,as parents of a child, who is not biologically yours?

A: Awaiting child needs no familiarity! Both our children taught us to love the world, and accept it with all its differences.

Q: How early do you think the child should be told that he/she has been adopted and how?

A:As early as 2 and half years, story telling was the basis of the introduction to the concept, with the book "YOUR STORY" published by Indian Association for Promotion of Adoption Mumbai. When we formed the Association , he got to know many children who were adopted. It became a part of our family history and we discuss the unknown part of his family tree sometimes, especially during his birthday. Though he does not look much like us he is comfortable about his adopted status, at 13+ now, to talk about it when he wants to, however rarely.

Q:There are many single women who would love to adopt a child and keep the options of marriage open too. What do you recommend for them?

A: Adoption or for that matter parenting a child by a single woman calls for a tall order. It is good to build a relationship by marriage - a person of similar age group, experience the challenges, and then consider expanding the family to bring home a child. This is my perception and it has had its desired results in the hearts of young 'want to be mothers'.

Q: What is the role you/your organisation play in facilitating an adoption?

A: We offer hands on experience and general attitudinal requirements for adoption to aspiring parents. Guidelines, on expectations during and after the process besides the telling issue is also dealt with. There is a formal, 4 hour module,which we offer regularly for aspiring parents. Extended families too are invited during post tea session for getting to know about the new way of expanding their kin’s family.

Q: How can one tackle power play or feelings of inequality between a child who is the natural born and one who has been adopted? How to make them bond as siblings on a “cannot be disowned” basis?

A: The right language is "Biological" and not natural, and "who was adopted" and not ‘has been’. Positive Parenting plays a key role in bringing up today’s child. Power play is there in every family, between biological siblings too. It depends on the temperaments of children and parents must alter their approach and treat each child uniquely differently, to treat them the same!!

Q: Today, unfortunately news turns up about spurious adoption agencies too. How do we distinguish the good agencies from the bad and what is your suggestion for not falling into bad hands?

A: Parents with the right attitude do their homework and get to know the agencies’ background before stepping into the process. Associations like us can help caution the aspiring parents and inform them of their rights.

Q: Do you counsel the adopted children too?

A: It is always that only and only Parents need counseling and never children. We do meet the children sometimes but not after ensuring course correction of the parents.

Q: We would be happy if you could share an exhilarating experience or two, you have had during your career as an adoption counselor.

A: The positive experience has been with the familiarity of children easily talking about adoption in the get togethers and asking doubts about it. Some of the older children have come forward to help younger ones understand the concept of adoption, and they were adopted. We have sharing platforms, and it was thrilling to see how the children held on to each other when the topic of 'Search' was discussed.

The negative experiences have been on the lack of inclination of parents to change their ways, grow with their children especially adolescents, rather want their children to change and blame them for it. It is very sad for the children- during these times; we counsel the children towards acceptance of their parent’s attitude and cope with it. The age gap between parents and children is wider than biological children and hence the challenge is a bit more to keep with the times.

Q: What are the future plans of SuDatta?

A: As a support group of adoptive families, over 500 members all over India, we periodically invite experts and have discussions on parenting and adoption and share our experience to learn and grow with the concept. We invite doctors psychiatrists, paediatricians, psychologists who deal with children particularly on behaviour issues. Our next such open house is slated on 9th December at Chennai

SuDatta Adoptive Families Association functions at No 18, Sriram nagar, Thiruvanmiyur, Chennai 600041, ( phone 24526854, 42150706.)

Ms. Vidya Shankar can be reached at vidyashankar01@yahoo.co.in